the way out is through

This might be a long one. Apologies in advance...

I struggle with this in my journal as well - the pull to write about both the actual occurrences in my life and the things in my head. There's too much! I will try to mix it up.

I guess the main feeling I have in my life right now is that there is simply not enough time in the day. There never is and it's getting to me yet again. I'm trying to read, learn, and brainstorm as much as possible for work. I'm trying to read/take notes/do research for my thesis. I'm trying to learn Spanish. I'm exercising about an hour a day. Oh and I have a full time job. It's too much. I'm stressing out about the thesis in particular. I want to do the best job I can at INSTRAW. The more I learn about my responsibilities, the more excited I get. I was nervous at first about my abilities to handle this job. But I have the increasing feeling that I am going to do a fantastic job. My confidence in my abilities is increasing every day. Why? Because while I might not have as much of the content-related knowledge (I have not yet read every single publication on gender, peace and security or worked on these issues "in the field"), I have the passion, dedication, motivation, creativity, and discipline to get a lot accomplished; I have a fresh eye; I think strategically while also being detail-oriented. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm selling myself to the people reading my blog. It's more for me, to be honest. And it's also because I am excited about this. Tremendously so. Nervous, yes, but excited definitely.

So I'm stressing about my thesis because I feel like I need to throw myself into this job headlong and just make as much of a mark/impact as I can in my short time. This will require a huge commitment and will not give me much thesis time. I recently reconceived my thesis topic - instead of widows and transitional justice, I want to look at the discourse of victimization in transitional justice through a gender lens. Basically, I want to look at how are "victims" defined in transitional justice both at the legal level (mandates, peace agreements, etc.) and then practically speaking (in the functioning of the transitional justice mechanisms). Then I want to look at the implications of these definitions. The legal and practical definitions of transitional justice mechanisms have tangible results on people's lives, for instance if someone receives reparations or not. But then there are also the implications for people's lives in terms of the stereotypes that surround victim discourse and the processes of self-identification as a victim. For instance, many anti-apartheid activists rejected the notion that they were victims even though they had experienced what the Truth and Reconciliation Commission had defined as "gross human rights violations" because they didn't "feel like victims." By using a gendered lens, I want to tease out how the traditional "women as victims" plays out in transitional justice. It would also be interesting to look at the people that TRCs deemed as male victims with an eye towards self-identification as a victim and the hierarchy of masculinities. And then there's the whole media attention given toward transitional justice - how conflicts are talked about, which people are picked out to be portrayed in media about conflict to emphasize the innocence of one party versus the evilness of the other. And finally, there's the dichotomization of victims versus perpetrators, which, in my view, could perpetuate existing societal divisions and be a hindrance to reconciliation. So yeah. That's what I want to do. I think it could be incredibly interesting, has the potential for some really in depth theoretical work, and would also allow me to really get to know the mandates and human rights violations in the different TJ mechanisms. If only I had an academic adviser who actually communicated with me and could give me feedback and tell me whether I'm completely whacked or if it is a valid research topic. Oh well.

But the other option is to make my thesis more in line with INSTRAW's work so that when I start working on my own working paper in November, I could be doing research and writing that could be included in my thesis. That would mean doing something (most likely) on security sector reform and transitional justice. This wouldn't be as interesting to me as my first topic, but this scenario could set me up for spring semester really well.

Advice anyone? I'm struggling!

I still owe Jen a post on my work (I think my work environment) and the wealth dichotomy in the DR. But instead, I will end with these two little living life down here tidbits; ok three actually. First, most of you know, but I want to record here as well - I found a cockroach on my toothbrush. I think I need therapy just for this event. Second, I was walking to work the other day and say a bunch of DR soldiers, one of whom was holding an alto saxophone. If I had the vocab, I would have asked if I could try it out. How surprised would he have been! Third, I have been eating so well down here. Lots of fruits (pineapple, tons of papaya, mango, starfruit(!!), bananas), vegetables (eggplants are my new fav), lots of salad, low fat granola and yogurt. It's nice. AND my fabulous venezuelan roommate (the plantain queen) occassionally cooks for us/me. Last Sunday she made me typical Venezuelan food which I don't remember the name, but was like corn patties with a tomato, onion, ketchup, mayonaise salad. The next night her husband made typical Spanish food, including my new favorite: gazpacho! It's amazing! It's salad, blended, that tastes creamy and rich, but is actually excellent for you! A dream come true really.

Ok this is ridiculously long. So, I will leave you with a picture of my favorite flowers (how can you not love periwinkle colored flowers?) and get my exercise on:

(i highly recommend clicking on the photo. look at those raindrops! what an awesome photographer! :)